posted
I'm standing in the shower stall letting the water pour down on me way too hot, way too long scrubbing the day away 'til it's red and raw
I find myself sobbing letting the tears flow down the drain I watch them, as if they are not mine the lies exposed, the truth be told
Reluctantly I drag myself out I'm standing in my house of cards with nothing but the towel wrapped so tight I can hardly breathe
I gulp for air and wonder "When will the house collapse?" why do they think I'm so strong when I feel so freakin weak
Nothing to do but rebuild jack up the house, re-lay the foundation get in touch and let them help me I don't have to be alone
Sorry, I'm not sure this is a poem, aren't the words supposed to rhyme or the syllables match or the cadence be right? I don't know the rules, but it just came out.............
posted
I think it's perfect..and actually it does have a poetic rythym to it. I really liked it.
* * * * Some hearts, like evening primroses, open more beautifully in the shadows of life. Shirley's Secret Room Plants: 9518 | From: Cincinnati Ohio | Registered: Nov 2006
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* * * * All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Plants: 5156 | From: Minnesota | Registered: Mar 2006
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* * * * Painting is silent poetry, and poetry is painting that speaks. Plutarch Plants: 11590 | From: WI | Registered: May 2006
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posted
Mel, it made me cry... it is a good one when it makes you cry and when you can relate to the feeling.
* * * * We are all under the same stars... therefore we are never far apart. Plants: 30076 | From: Washington, the state that is... | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
There are no typical rules for poetry- that's what makes poetry such a pure, beautiful thing. This was a deep poem; my favorite is the "I'm standing in my house of cards..." the reader thinks about this and what it represents. Phenomenal work!
* * * * Plants: 1275 | From: Western Canada | Registered: May 2006
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First, let me say there is no rule that poetry must rhyme in terms of "moon", "spoon" and "croon". There are many types of legitimate poetry that does not rhyme. Additionally, there are other forms of rhyming schemes...
Second, in your first stanza you made use of a poetic technique known as a "chain" when you began two phrases the same... "way too hot, way too long" That also is a valuable tool for poetry.
Third, poetry unlike biography is less interested in the historical details than it is in the feelings those historic facts inspire. An historian writing this would simply state "Mel got a shower and was crying." On the other hand, a poet would write something like you have written about being in the shower and watching your tears go down the drain.
Now we all know that if you were standing in a full shower and your teardrops were falling, you would NOT be able to literally distinguish every single tear from all the other water, right? But you aren't aiming for scientific or historical fact, you are aiming to express your feelings at the time of the shower. And that is what makes poetry poetry and not autobiography or a Master's thesis on tear production. Poetry relies on symbolism, as you have done here.
Additionally, the purpose of poetry is to allow the reader to enter into it, to relate to what has been written. Some beginner poets use images that are too far-fetched to feel real to the reader. It is an easy mistake to make.
But that is NOT the case in this poem. Notice your third stanza. You use the imagery that is familiar to millions of "a house of cards". We all know what that means. But then you add the additional, exceptional vulnerability of being wrapped only in a towel.
Vulnerable on one level because of the house of cards, far more vulnerable because of the towel.
We can connect with that; we get the picture of how fragile a moment in time this is. Adding the lines about the towel projects a level of exquisite vulnerability that would be lost if you had just left it at "house of cards".
In your fourth stanza, you draw the reader further into the story. We are already aware of your sadness (from the tears in the lonely place of the shower). We are already aware of your vulnerability from the house of cards and towel. In this next stanza, you add the element of fear. So not only do we know you are sad and vulnerable, but you are also tense and afraid.
It is easy to visualize you standing there in a little towel, taking that gulp for air but too afraid to breathe too deeply lest you knock the house right down!
So your first four stanza's create an entirely emotional scene we are all caught up inside of with you. You have completely drawn us into the story... we can feel your sadness, loneliness, fear and vulnerability. We are holding our breath right along with you.
And so, when you arrive at the 5th stanza with your decision of how to change the situation you are in, we gasp with relief on your behalf; we can cheer for you because we know the end of the story isn't going to be the collapse of the house and you losing that towel and ending up humiliated. You demonstrate to us that although you are vulnerable and afraid, you are not weak. You are making choices out of your strength to save yourself so that perhaps you will never have another shower like this one for the rest of your life.
From start to finish you told us the story of the shower and what it all means in five stanzas and yet, we do not have one single real historical fact to relate to this story. We do not know the day of the week, the year, the time of day, or even your location. You were not writing autobiography, so you left those unnecessary facts out. You were writing poetry and you put in all the things that depicted the sentiments so well.
I'd say you did a really, really good job of it, Mel. And if I were you, I'd keep writing poetry.
You have what is known as a "Believability Factor" in that we can believe what you have written.
Way to go, my friend, way to go!
Merme
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"In the midst of winter, I learned there lives in me an invincible summer" Camus (maybe a paraphrase) Plants: 9229 | From: Maine | Registered: Oct 2004
| Seeded: 24.31.136.91
posted
WOW!!! Thank you so much , Merme , for your critical analysis of my (and I say this now for sure) POEM! It means so much to me , coming from you. I will tell you now that this emotional day was four or five years ago, and I refer back to it a lot in my mind. It was like it was yesterday and the feelings of how I have proceeded since that time in my life give me strength.
Yes, I am in the process of writing more. I was actually driving through the snow the other days, and the roads were treacherous and some lines came to me and there I was jotting them down. I don't recommend that to anyone..........
posted
I hope you have a notebook, Mel, to keep all your work in. It is important to keep it and keep it all together -- including all the ones you don't think of as good. Keep writing, keep keeping. And share with us whatever you want!
Merme
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"In the midst of winter, I learned there lives in me an invincible summer" Camus (maybe a paraphrase) Plants: 9229 | From: Maine | Registered: Oct 2004
| Seeded: 24.31.136.91
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and very well written
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