posted
Where else could I go for the best advice, but here with all of you?!?
Tomorrow night, my almost 15 year old daughter is going out on her first date. She was told that we have to meet the guy before she can go out, and he/they were fine about it. He's 1 1/2 years older and from what I hear, has had plenty of dating experience. He is going to stop by here briefly, before they go out to a movie.
Soooooo... my husband is not being serious about how this first "meeting" with him is going to take place. He's been teasing our daughter about how he's going to barage the kid with all kids of embarassing questions and she was not amused to say the least! We have a son, 7 years older than she, but it's different when you are the parent of the guy.
Frankly, I'm getting a little nervous about this meeting, and am trying to think of ways to make it less threatening to them. I know I can count on you all to have some GREAT suggestons - right?!?
* * * * Lynne's knitting journal "I'm spayed, declawed, and housebound - how's YOUR day going???" Plants: 17066 | From: Rockland County, NY | Registered: Nov 2003
| Seeded: 67.84.52.196
posted
Oh, I am not a good one for that kind of advice! I used to embarrass my daughter to death when she started dating. I think I was the only mom who wore tie-dyed skirts with high-top Converse (2 different colors) with flames painted on them. My appearance alone was enough to embarrass her!
But, I will tell you one rule I had...
As long as she was at my house, any date she ever had... ...the young man had to come to the door and get her. There was NO pulling into the driveway and blowing the horn, or her just running out the door when he pulled up.
Cindy
* * * * Buckle up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car! Plants: 43285 | Registered: Mar 2004
| Seeded: 69.170.162.6
posted
Absolutely agreed, Cindy! No horn honking here either. But we're even worse than that - we are not allowing her to go in cars driven by friends yet - they are way too young, and here in NY they are even changing the laws as to when young drivers can have other minors as passengers. Of course that doesn't stop kids from riding along anyway. This guy is 16 1/2, and our daughter doesn't even know if he drives yet, so her dad will take them to the theater. We'll see how long this kid is willing to put up with our strict rules - time will tell...
p.s. - you must have been a vision!
* * * * Lynne's knitting journal "I'm spayed, declawed, and housebound - how's YOUR day going???" Plants: 17066 | From: Rockland County, NY | Registered: Nov 2003
| Seeded: 67.84.52.196
As the STEP (can't emphasize that enough) parent of a girl gone bad....I just have to tell you that I am THANKFUL I had boys! We were not fortunate enough to raise my husbands daughter and she has been in a crisis starting at 13!!!!
I can tell you that we would not have allowed her to "date" un~chaperoned until she was 16. We did not allow the boys to do so as well. I do not think that being protective of our children is being "strict"...there are a lot of crazies out there. (just watch Dr. Phil once or twice ) They had a curfew of 11pm...but we insisted on knowing exactly where they were going to be...and yes, we checked up on them...and yes...they knew it...and no, they didn't like it. But those were the rules and I slept better at night. We were not allowed to have input on my husband's daughter because we were "to strict" and to old fashioned. So...her mother "raised" her. She was pregnant at 14...and we are raising her baby. She has nothing to do with any of her family anymore...we know only where she is through hear~say. We have attempted to have DHS step in for the past 2 years...they are to overwhelmed and will do nothing. We are fortunate that our other 4 children (that we raised) are healthy young adults...wonderful parents and pillars of their communities....so, I am kinda thinkin the "rules" work. We refused to be pressured into the "all the other parents let their kids....." thing. We encouraged all of their friends to come to our house...and if we were not comfy with a friend..then they were allowed to come here...but our kids couldn't go there. Most of it is just consistancy...then they know what to expect. Please don't mis~understand me...we had FUN...they had FUN..we were just cautious. And now in their adult lives and raising their children...we have had a lot of "thank you's" from them!
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Happiness, like a dessert so sweet. May life give you more than you can ever eat... *** *** Plants: 7034 | From: The Land of JOY | Registered: Apr 2004
| Seeded: 162.40.166.221
No Way!!!!! I happen to own a pair of red high tops and I wear them with sun dresses now. My kids laugh.
I too have a 15 year old. She doesn't date yet. She does the group thing. No one is paired up, they just go in big groups. Parents drive and nobody is unsupervised.
When my older girls started dating, I wanted locations, phone numbers and to meet the boy. I checked up on them too. The boy had to come in and not only meet us, but have a few minutes of polite conversation. I have to admit, my hubby was cleaning a shot gun a time or two. He was and still is incorrigible. The girls warned their dates and everyone thought it was a joke, which it was. I don't know why but the boys always ended up scared of me. I wonder why that is???
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GO DAWGS! Plants: 3479 | From: The Idaho Boonies | Registered: Apr 2005
| Seeded: 69.21.8.47
posted
hehehehe, They know mom is the one with the power.
11:00 p.m. huh. Mine was 10:00 p.m. which was fine I was an early bird back then. And going fishing with dad early in the morning was much more fun that dates with guys at night. I know one thing from my growing up. And that's that they had better be going to an activity. No hanging out at someones house. That just does not end up at all well in most cases. Parents that think leaving a group of teenagers at their house while they get lost is bad. I was amazed at the number of "nice parents" that enabled their kids to get into sex, drugs, and criminal activities by their permissive attitudes. And these were nice successful people that had honor roll kids. And the kids were still doing all the wrong things. Drinking, drugs, sex, stealing you name it they were involved. Some of this had to do with the school system that told their teachers they were just there to babysit the kids during the day while their parents worked. No one failed, no one even got a "d" so honor roll wasn't that hard to do.
* * * * Plants: 8557 | From: triangle, virginia | Registered: Mar 2005
| Seeded: 4.249.72.99
posted
Oh by the way...not only did Dad do the big heavy the grown brother came home to make sure the guy was all right, since he knew dad was an old softy underneath.
* * * * Plants: 8557 | From: triangle, virginia | Registered: Mar 2005
| Seeded: 4.249.72.99
posted
My son is not old enough to be dating yet, thank God but I remember all too well what a rotten kid I was and so my plan is to be strict with Maxi.
Reading all of your posts was a good practice run and I liked the suggestions made....the kinds of things that might be helpful to anyone just starting out on the dating thing.
Although none of us answered your specific question yet about how to make that first meet go smoothly without upsetting the kids, Lynne, I'm hoping this thread continues for a bit -- for both of our sakes!
Merme
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"In the midst of winter, I learned there lives in me an invincible summer" Camus (maybe a paraphrase) Plants: 9229 | From: Maine | Registered: Oct 2004
| Seeded: 66.63.78.107
Some things to ponder... we hadn't even discussed a curfew yet - how did we miss THAT one?
Her older brother lives up by the college he just graduated from, so he won't be here to help us/him.
Cindy - so sorry to hear about your daughter's best friend - that's soooo devastating! And exactly what scares me to death! Everytime I hear sirens here, and boy are they going almost 24/7 now that school is out! , I wonder who is involved in whatever happened.
Vanessa - I hear you about your stepdaughter - must have been very tough times, and one really has to hold tight to their rules and regulations these days, ya know?
Fernie -
quote: The boy had to come in and not only meet us, but have a few minutes of polite conversation. I have to admit, my hubby was cleaning a shot gun a time or two
this is soooo funny - my husband was talking to a young woman in his office about it yesterday, and she said she was the youngest with 3 brothers. Not only did the guy have to meet all their approval, BUT... the father would always say "I used to be in law enforcement. I HAVE A GUN AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT!!! Now that I'm retired I've got nothing to lose by using it, so don't make me want to!" Can you imagine? We recently went to this woman's wedding - she married a very peaceful, laid-back sort of guy - he must have the patience of a saint.
Tk -
quote: I know one thing from my growing up. And that's that they had better be going to an activity. No hanging out at someones house
This is exactly what we have been telling her. And it's been really really really REALLY difficult to reinforce this! She only has 1 other friend (we are friends with the parents) who also stick to this rule. And an adult has to be there at all times. I cannot believe how all the other kids are allowed to pretty much roam free with no supervision at all. This is a daily battle with our daughter and us! The biggest WHINE is about how "ALL THE OTHER KIDS GET TO HANG OUT AT THE (very very very huge 4 story) MALL WITH JUST FRIENDS! WHY CAN'T I?????"
If not for her best friend having parents of the same mind that we are, we wouldn't have a leg to stand on, and I think the lying and sneaking out would begin. She knows we won't have that, and I'm hoping she realizes we mean business. I guess we'll find out.
Merme - you were thinking what I was -
quote: Although none of us answered your specific question yet about how to make that first meet go smoothly without upsetting the kids, Lynne, I'm hoping this thread continues for a bit -- for both of our sakes!
Anyone wanna give some suggestions for this first meeting tonite? I was always a shy kid, even as a teenager, and this is definitely not in my comfort zone. Everytime I think about it I get cold hands!
I do know, that this guy is having a lot of problems with some good friends because of his desire to spend time with my daughter. He does live on the "other side" of town, and I think some of his friends are questionable...BUT... he has defended his feelings towards our daughter even when one of his friends accused him of "settling" for her - how the he** does this kid form this opinion when he doesn't know her at all?!?!?!?!? And, in our opinion, he is "bettering" himself by hanging out with her. She is a straight A student and very devoted to her flute playing, and said she will "beat up any of her friends if she finds out they are doing drugs or alcohol." He was kicked out of his band by this snotty kid, because he wasn't seeing after an old girlfriend/now friend while he was with our daughter at a school function. He is enduring much criticism and sadness from his so-called "friends", and I admire him more so, because he has stood by our daughter even though he doesn't know her very well yet. Anyone who would forgoe their longtime friends to do that, seems ok in my book for now. We'll have to see how things pan out, and how long he wants to stick around with our strictness...
Soooooooo.... back to the beginning - HELP!!!!!!!! How do we get through this first meeting smoothly? I think my husband is as nervous as I am, though he won't admit it!
p.s. my husband just came in the room after taking some pictures of our cats, and announced to me that he is going to take pictures of our daughter and the guy before they leave. I told him he absolutely cannot do that - he will embarass her to nooooooo end! He said, jokingly, that he's gonna tell him "I need these so I have something to show the police if I have to!" OMG!!! SOMEBODY OUT THERE HELP ME!!! I told him I was going to hide the camera when he's out mowing the lawn!
* * * * Lynne's knitting journal "I'm spayed, declawed, and housebound - how's YOUR day going???" Plants: 17066 | From: Rockland County, NY | Registered: Nov 2003
| Seeded: 67.84.52.196
quote:Originally posted by plants 'n pots: He said, jokingly, that he's gonna tell him "I need these so I have something to show the police if I have to!"
I confess that I wrote down a description of a guy that picked my daughter up and copied his license plate number down after I gave him the 3rd degree. I, also, asked for his address, wrote down his vehicle model/type, and I told him that I wanted to have an accurate record in case she wasn't home on time.
posted
Okay-- just my 2 cents worth-- In being a parent who just finished raising a teenage girl, am now raising a teenage boy and too soon enoughwill be going through it again with another girl-- I'll say this-- 16 is a good age to set for dating. 10 pm is a good curfew; I used this time and allowed an additional thirty minutes for unexpected issues but only after they were older and started going in cars without a parent. But I do live in a small town... it makes a difference. I required names places and phone numbers while they were out. And I checked up. They knew it. I get thankyous from my daughter everyday for being the way I was. My son has a little more freedom because he is a little more responsible than my daughter was at that age. But he makes a point of giving me all the required info and if things change he calls me and fills me in on every detail.
Now- to the matter at hand-- Just be straight forward. Be open and adamant about your rules; just be toward this young man the way you would if he were about to become your son-in-law. I'm sure you don't want to jepordize your daughter's relationship with this young man but if he is as loyal to her as he appears to be in your description then he'll be cool with the way you are. He will know where you, as parents, stand and if this is something he is willing to accept then he is worthy of your daughter. If this attitude scares him away then its a sign that there were probably underlying motives.
I used this same action with the young man that is now my son-in-law and he and I get along fine. (Although, I did kinda play the heavy at first with him because her dad was not in the picture )
In any case, I do hope I've helped shed some light on your situation...
* * * * Each day is a new beginning...What you begin is your choice. The pleasure you receive from life is equal only to the attitude you put into it. Plants: 1454 | From: Cotton Land in the Magnolia State | Registered: Feb 2005
| Seeded: 69.160.238.199
quote: I confess that I wrote down a description of a guy that picked my daughter up and copied his license plate number down after I gave him the 3rd degree. I, also, asked for his address, wrote down his vehicle model/type, and I told him that I wanted to have an accurate record in case she wasn't home on time.
Good for you, Dianna! My husband will be driving them to the movie, and bringing her back home, so we're not up to the license stuff yet. She doesn't even know if he drives yet.
quote: I do hope I've helped shed some light on your situation...
Tricia - I love your response! So calm, and reassuring - thanks so much! We are getting really giddy here - my husband is home from work today and I'm not sure we'll make it til later this afternoon!
Cindy - YA THINK???
* * * * Lynne's knitting journal "I'm spayed, declawed, and housebound - how's YOUR day going???" Plants: 17066 | From: Rockland County, NY | Registered: Nov 2003
| Seeded: 67.84.52.196
posted
More giddiness! I just spoke with my daughter and asked if he knows it's her first date - she thinks so. Told her that her father and I agreed on an 11p.m. curfew. No response.
Then told her we would need his phone number and address. She replied "cell or house?" I said YES!
Then said that we would need his address, parents' names, social security number - hahahaha - slipped that one in to lighten it up a bit. Her response - "YOU'RE SOOOOOO RETARDED!!!"
laughed my way out of her room
* * * * Lynne's knitting journal "I'm spayed, declawed, and housebound - how's YOUR day going???" Plants: 17066 | From: Rockland County, NY | Registered: Nov 2003
| Seeded: 67.84.52.196
posted
Okay--just took a shower and washed my hair(like you guys really wanted to know that!! ) Anyway!--Here's an idea-- You said his dad was driving them right?? Well-why not shift the focus of introduction a little to include BOTH of them-- him and his dad. Adults meeting adults is much easier and you can include the teenagers in the mix. That way you can meet the parent and get an idea of what he's like as well, because truth be told, our children are a reflection of us more often than not. This takes the pressure off you by putting you in a more familiar situation. Just have your daughter tell her date that you would like to meet his dad when they arrive to pick her up. Most parents won't object to this sort of thing because they're probably just as curious as you are. JUST A THOUGHT...
* * * * Each day is a new beginning...What you begin is your choice. The pleasure you receive from life is equal only to the attitude you put into it. Plants: 1454 | From: Cotton Land in the Magnolia State | Registered: Feb 2005
| Seeded: 69.160.238.199
BUT... I said that HER dad (my husband) is driving them. I don't know if we'll be meeting his parent who drops him off here or not. It will be interesting to see...
* * * * Lynne's knitting journal "I'm spayed, declawed, and housebound - how's YOUR day going???" Plants: 17066 | From: Rockland County, NY | Registered: Nov 2003
| Seeded: 67.84.52.196
posted
I'm sorry.. I guess I was reading cross-eyed when I read that... Forgive me???
* * * * Each day is a new beginning...What you begin is your choice. The pleasure you receive from life is equal only to the attitude you put into it. Plants: 1454 | From: Cotton Land in the Magnolia State | Registered: Feb 2005
| Seeded: 69.160.238.199
* * * * Each day is a new beginning...What you begin is your choice. The pleasure you receive from life is equal only to the attitude you put into it. Plants: 1454 | From: Cotton Land in the Magnolia State | Registered: Feb 2005
| Seeded: 69.160.238.199
quote:Originally posted by plants 'n pots: Good for you, Dianna! My husband will be driving them to the movie, and bringing her back home, so we're not up to the license stuff yet. She doesn't even know if he drives yet.
Uhhhh...did I happen to mention that my daughter was 21 on that date, but she was staying with me temporarily so had to go by my rules?
posted
How do you meet any of your daughter's friends? I mean what do you say? Since your hubby is driving...it is basically you are meeting a new friend of your daughters (with a twist I admit but the premise is the same). State your expectations and rules and do whatever it is you do to meet new people. Remember he is probably scared to meet you too.
Heck when my oldest daughter went on her first date, I wanted to take pictures too (I didn't). She was moving into a new era, I understood her side of it after having been her age once too, but I had never been on this..the parent...side before.
You will do fine I am sure.
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GO DAWGS! Plants: 3479 | From: The Idaho Boonies | Registered: Apr 2005
| Seeded: 69.21.8.71
posted
Thanks Fernie - but you hit the nail on the head - it is the FIRST time that we are on this side of it. He actually wanted to meet us, knowing that we would require it - good for him!
Dianna -
quote:...did I happen to mention that my daughter was 21 on that date
I think it's even more important when they are that age - they think they are soooooo invincible then - young adults, ya know?
By the way... did I mention that
she is 5'1" and... he is 6'3" ???
I chuckle everytime the image pops in my head - will be very interesting to see...
* * * * Lynne's knitting journal "I'm spayed, declawed, and housebound - how's YOUR day going???" Plants: 17066 | From: Rockland County, NY | Registered: Nov 2003
| Seeded: 67.84.52.196
posted
I went on my first "date" when I was 7 years old.
It was a school dance (1st thru 3rd grades) in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
It was a dress-up affair. I got a beautiful new dress, had my hair "fixed" (lots of hair spray involved) and was a nervous wreck when my "date" showed up. His mom and dad brought him to fetch me!
Unfortunately, his dad was a professional photographer. He starts carrying in all kinds of equipment, cameras, tripods, everything up to and including a bunch of silver umbrellas he positioned all around the room so the "light" would be perfect. Even brought some kind of backdrop thing on a big pull-down screen.
Now THAT'S getting your picture taken on your first date!
Cindy Faye
P.S. No, I do not have a clue where the pictures are. I would definitely post them if I did!
P.S.S. I won a dance contest that night... "The Twist"!
* * * * Buckle up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car! Plants: 43285 | Registered: Mar 2004
| Seeded: 69.170.162.6
posted
Cindy - what were you thinking when he pulled out all that stuff!!! At least you were still young - I think I would've wanted to hit him over the head with a piece of his equipment if I was a teenager and he tried that!
* * * * Lynne's knitting journal "I'm spayed, declawed, and housebound - how's YOUR day going???" Plants: 17066 | From: Rockland County, NY | Registered: Nov 2003
| Seeded: 67.84.52.196
posted
No, I don't think so. He will probably do the guy thing and just show up. At a time that any woman would consider to late but that is the way they are.
Don't you get nervous. Believe it or not she is taking her que from you. Go do the next thing on your list of daily things to do. That's what she needs to be doing to. Then when he does show up it's like a nice suprise rather than a "where have you been, why didn't you call" type of thing.
* * * * Plants: 8557 | From: triangle, virginia | Registered: Mar 2005
| Seeded: 4.249.51.248
posted
LET HIM TAKE THE PICTURES THEY ARE GREAT!!!! I have the ones my parents took of me. If fact that is when I started my photo album. And I kept right on getting first date pictures to all the Marine Corps Birthdays and fancy resturants that I went too. I dried the corsages too.
Say hi how are you I'm ______ whatever you want him to call you. Every boyfriend I ever had called my dad, Dad in short order and he called them all son. Sometimes my parents kept my boyfriends longer than I did. Talk about where they are planning on going. That's on everyones mind so it's easy to talk about.
Your going to do fine. You can always ask how he is enjoying any class that they are sharing or a special activity that they have in common. My highschool boyfriend had a particular car that he was fixing up and dad and him used to talk about that. And mom would ask how it was comming even though she had no interest in the subject lol.
* * * * Plants: 8557 | From: triangle, virginia | Registered: Mar 2005
| Seeded: 4.249.51.248
posted
So sorry Cindy - but thanks for the chuckle! Apparently, my daughter is having trouble receiving calls that are not on Sprint - if you can believe the guy. He said he was trying to call her, and said that he never got her calls either - they were finally hooked up by another friend and 3-way calling! SHEEEEEEEEEEESH!
Kids today - can't anyone use a HOUSE phone anymore??? Heaven forbid they might have to speak to another family member who isn't the person they are trying to reach!!!
* * * * Lynne's knitting journal "I'm spayed, declawed, and housebound - how's YOUR day going???" Plants: 17066 | From: Rockland County, NY | Registered: Nov 2003
| Seeded: 67.84.52.196
I had a very very nervous mother, who was also an alcoholic (she's still with us, but can't drink anymore due to the damage it caused ). Anyway, she was always "on" when I had boys come over - so much so, that they would return to be entertained by her, and could care less about me! My high school dating experiences were nothing to write home about to say the least.
As for your other suggestions - you are terrific! Only problem is... they aren't in any classes together as he's a grade ahead, and she won't tell me exactly how they know each other - she's the whiney type who mumbles her words to get out of conversation - and don't even mention hormones!!!
So, that might be the opener question - "how do you know each other?"
Just found out that he knows where our street is, because he went out with a girl on the block before us. Sounds like he's gone around the block a bit - to be punny and serious at the same time - I keep finding out about more girls that I know of whom he has dated. Will be interesting to see how she handles her first date. I'm not getting worried about it, just want it to go smoothly for her ya know - mothers are so attached to their babies, like a bear!
* * * * Lynne's knitting journal "I'm spayed, declawed, and housebound - how's YOUR day going???" Plants: 17066 | From: Rockland County, NY | Registered: Nov 2003
| Seeded: 67.84.52.196
posted
I don't have children dating.. Nor does my son plan on it.... ****So the wee~darlin' keeps tellin' me**** I snicker to myself everytime he says that to me.. Cause I know better...
But I would think as long as you lay down the rules and let her know it's because you DO CARE FOR HER.... that these rules are put into place. *and that you're not like the other parents, nor do you care what the other parents are and are not doing, you're raising her, and not the other children* She is your main and only concern, and it will remain that way... and when she goes off and has children of her own, she'll finally understand what you're talking about now... and you don't expect her to understand fully now, because she can't possibly know now... but she will in time, she'll finally get it.. and that's all you can say...
* * * * Weezie
Don't forget to be kind to strangers. For some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it. - Bible - Hebrews 13:2
posted
My mother broke me of the whiney thing almost before it started. I believe the comment went something like. "Would you like some cheese with that whine?" Like any kid ever born I don't like being made fun of. And that killed that trick real fast. I learned that it didn't work, and that the repercussions where not ones I wanted so I stopped. And my daughter learned the same lesson. Even some friends have learned that one from me. It is sooooooo unpleasant. Not to say I don't have some very unpleasant characteristics that she didn't break me of and that I haven't been able to break myself of either because I do. But I keep trying to correct them. I started counselling recently to deal with some that just will not go away.
If you want a real fun teen to talk to get stuck with someone like my highschool boyfriend. His main comment to just about anything was "I suppose." I think that's why I stuck with him so long. Mother couldn't do a thing with him and couldn't complain either because he was so unoaffensive. Believe it or not this kid was on the honor roll. Cute too.
Oh I hope he's not one of those "lady killers in-the-making." Hate those. You know the ones, they are looking for a girl to worship them and lose interest the minute she shows she has a mind of her own. Very UCKY. They used to all be on the football team. I think a very important talk to have with girls that are the age to start dating is how to choose the guy to go out with. There are things in highschool especially that every girl wants to avoid. The guy that says he scored is one she'll want to avoid. Along with the one that wants his homework done. And the one that wants a girlfriend so he can say he has one but then ignores her all the time. If she doesn't respect him before he asks her out, she probably won't after either. Tell her about your dating experience rather than making it advice. They listen better that way. Especially if you are actually talking to someone other than her. It's supprising how big their ears get when the information isn't directed at them.
My mom was alcholic too so I know where you are comming from on that one. Up one day down the next, never knew which way the wind was going to blow. I'll say this I could easily write a book about dating but I wouldn't send it home. Dad's hair is already white and I wouldn't want him to have a heart attack.
Sure I'll adopt you, I'm already a grandmother what are a few more grown kids lol.
* * * * Plants: 8557 | From: triangle, virginia | Registered: Mar 2005
| Seeded: 4.249.81.217
quote: Tell her about your dating experience rather than making it advice. They listen better that way
Everytime I try to tell her something about "when I was dating" she puts her hand up in my face and says either "too much info", or "I don't want to know about your sexperiences!!!" That's her new word of the week - SEXPERIENCES!!! They think they are soooo cute - LOL! My mom started talking about when they would "neck" when she was supposed to be babysitting her sister who was 5 years younger, and my daughter said it to her - mom had no idea what in the world she was talking about!
So.... now... about the "big date night"!...
He doesn't drive - thank goodness for that, so there's no arguing about her not being able to go in a car with him! But his parents drove him here, and thought they were going to take them to the movies - uh... NO!!! She had called him to tell him that we wanted to meet HIM and then HER dad would take them - well, they sat in the car when he came into the house, so of course we had to invite them in - which wouldn't be a bad thing meeting his parents too, right? But... he was 25 minutes late, and they DID have to get to the movies...
We ended up talking for 1/2 hour - mostly with the parents, with the kids sitting there being very polite but wanting to get the he!! out of there! And... I was a little annoyed, because my husband and I no longer had the opportunity to be in control of the situation and ask the kid the questions we would have, had his parents not been sitting there. It became more of the adults meeting and getting to know each other - yes I know that's very important!!! But we learned little of the guy, except that he is very respectful when his parents are around.
Anywho... his mother is Russian and VERY FORTHCOMING - the first thing she says to our daughter, and yes I know she meant it as a compliment, but it didn't come out that way and Amy was squirming in her seat was...
quote:WELL!!!!!!! Your picture doesn't do you justice!!!! When I first saw it, I said to myself... well, ohhhhh, ooooooookay... but now that I see you in person, you're much better!
Amy didn't know which direction to turn to - no one has ever said anything like that to her and what does one respond with anyway? Apparently, the guy took a picture at school to show his mom - awwwwwwww - but it was a really bad one - even Amy said so later...
Next she says point blank
quote:it's very obvious that you are Jewish!!!!!
Well... we are... and so is she, but the father is Irish... but again... Amy didn't know how to respond, so I turned it around and made a joke of it by saying "how can you tell?!? couldn't be her nose, now, could it?" (she has her father's Jewish beak ) Everyone laughed a bit, and the ice was broken, but my pooooooor baby - how's that for meeting the parents of your first date ever?!?
They ended up driving them to the movie, and then said they would bring her home - I was not happy about that, but my husband let it go - we fought about that after they left. By the way... the guy opened the car door for her - awwwwwwww Not many kids nowadays do that anymore!
His father called to say that they made it into the movie on time and I told him that my husband would pick them up - had to put my foot down!
Date went very well, according to Amy. Here's the cute part - HE GAVE HER A COLLAR!!!!! A what?!?!?!? Yes, an animal collar!!! She was wearing it on her arm as a bracelet when she came home - said it was very special to him and he wanted her to have it - awwwwwwwww again! But I couldn't help asking her...
"where's the leash???"
1/2 kidding of course - one never knows how symbolic this is, or how controlling another person is ... I really think it's all very innocent at this point...
my cousin wants to know if a collar is the grunge version of when we used to get ID bracelets when we were "going steady"?!?
Did I share too much? I figured some of you might like to have some vicarious thrills - love hearing about other's experiences, ya know? Well, let me know if I rambled on too much - I only got 15 minutes sleep that night, I was soooooo wired!
* * * * Lynne's knitting journal "I'm spayed, declawed, and housebound - how's YOUR day going???" Plants: 17066 | From: Rockland County, NY | Registered: Nov 2003
| Seeded: 67.84.52.196
posted
You may not want to read this. I do not mean harm. But the teenage years can be great or they can be very damaging. If I didn't offer it, I would feel like I were doing a disservice. But a lot of what I have went through would never come anywhere near normal people. So I see things from a very schewed perspective.
I hope you keep a baby book. Your post would be a perfect entry. {they are always babies to us.}
She holds her hand up to you and says to much info? Your kidding right? [I'd be tempted to bend fingers until she was sitting down hard.]
If she believes she is on an even par with you adult to adult then maybe it is time to have a sit down no holds barred talk.
1/3 of all college women have experienced date rape at least once. Want to bet what the ratio is for women that don't go to college?
If you don't feel up to the task what about your rabbi. I love rabbi's. Not kidding here. I'm not jewish but I think your scholars are great. They are so down to earth. So practical. So straightforward. At least those I have been lucky enough to meet and talk with.
My daughter likes to flounce when she is headed for a conversation she doesn't like. It's hard to describe. Basically she is walking off but it is a walk with an attitude. I follow. If it's important enough for me to bring up then by golly she's gonna listen.
It doesn't happen often. She knows that I trust her judgement. I just believe that before her judgement can kick in she needs all the facts. And that's where my job comes in. She is 28 by the way with 3 little girls of her own.
* * * * Plants: 8557 | From: triangle, virginia | Registered: Mar 2005
| Seeded: 4.249.51.99
posted
Tk - no harm ever taken, and all experiences and words of wisdom are always taken gratefully!
The hand thing is never allowed, and she knows that, so she will learn this very quickly. I know she's feeling her oats right now, (is that the right expression?) what with this first date and the new situations it brings forth, so I am cutting her just a little slack for now - not very much mind you...
As for our rabbi - unfortunately, we do not think too highly of him, and are even quitting our temple this year, but that was a REALLY REALLY GREAT suggestion!
She's really pushing my buttons today already, so this is going to be a looooooooooong summer. Whose plan was it for parents to have teenagers when they themselves are mid-life??? Oh, to have the energy I had when I was younger!!!
* * * * Lynne's knitting journal "I'm spayed, declawed, and housebound - how's YOUR day going???" Plants: 17066 | From: Rockland County, NY | Registered: Nov 2003
| Seeded: 67.84.52.196
uhhh, if it's the same kind as the one's I've had, it's invisible...and is VERY short!
All jokes aside... ...I think it's sweet that he gave her a collar! I've never heard about that gesture, but I'm sure it's probably like the I.D. bracelet thing.
Man, I would have been a nervous wreck if I'd had to sit there with his parents and chit-chat. I don't do well in those situations at all...unless his parents would have had a really GOOD sense of humor!
Cindy Sue
* * * * Buckle up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car! Plants: 43285 | Registered: Mar 2004
| Seeded: 69.170.162.6
posted
I can see Cindy in that situation. hehehehe.
Look at it this way it couldn't be as bad as my family when they bought the house that they would stay in for the next 30 odd years.
They had a party, there was drinking, there was snow, there was a very deep ditch. Need I be any more specific? Everyone knew my parents and there were some kids that weren't allowed to play with me. Sixth grade was sooooooo much fun.
I am sorry to hear about you leaving your temple. I lack appropriate information here so if I say this wrong please help me out. Is there another place you can go? Or person that you can talk to instead? BTW I have a nose too, so does my daughter. It is never more apparent than when we smile.
Any you can tell I figured that out early because there are very few pictures of me smiling. Smirking yes.
I'm glad to know that she knows better than to do that to her mom. And your right they do get to feeling their oats from time to time. I think your are being very loving and compassionate to see and understand that. I would have missed it.
* * * * Plants: 8557 | From: triangle, virginia | Registered: Mar 2005
| Seeded: 4.249.51.99
quote: I think your are being very loving and compassionate to see and understand that. I would have missed it.
You give me too much credit - we just had the screaming match of the century, and now my husband is furious with ME for ruining his father's day! I think I'll go find a hole to crawl into for the rest of the day! ACCCCCCCCCK!
She has to leave now to play in her high school band at graduation - she's going with red eyes and stuffy nose from crying - too bad! Like her brother, she has to get the last word in, even if she knows she's wrong - that's the one thing we were never able to get a handle on...
* * * * Lynne's knitting journal "I'm spayed, declawed, and housebound - how's YOUR day going???" Plants: 17066 | From: Rockland County, NY | Registered: Nov 2003
| Seeded: 67.84.52.196
How I love this thread! Your posts are especially great because that's LIFE -- full steam ahead and may the devil take the hindmost!
It is a luxury to read you.
I certainly went off to enough recitals and concerts with red eyes and stuffy nose after a run-in with my mom, too. I was a rotten kid and she was a strong willed woman. We clashed. Big time.
But last I checked myself all over, I don't seem any worse for the wear of those tough years.
All blessings on you and your family. And I do hope you can find another temple with a Rabbi that you can love and trust...there is much to be said for having a spiritual home where you can turn for help and rest.
And by the way, I think you did great on the 1st date situation. Now I'm hoping to do so well when it's my turn with Maxi!
Merme
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"In the midst of winter, I learned there lives in me an invincible summer" Camus (maybe a paraphrase) Plants: 9229 | From: Maine | Registered: Oct 2004
| Seeded: 66.63.78.107
posted
A child has to feel secure and loved before they can yell at a parent. So although it is terrible to go through there are plus points too. Now if she comes home trembling in fear you'll know the worst of that one is over lol.
Poor hubby, sounds like he was looking forward to his fathers day. Is there an extra special suprise waiting for him already? If not maybe a "late night his favorite movie and you make the popcorn/favorite tv snack for him and watch it with him trick will work." I know, I know how many times can you watch Tora, Tora, Tora. Or whatever the equivelant is but every once in a while for a good cause. And don't forget you are entitled to a manicure/pedicure/facial/bubble bath type activity too. It's one of the perks for raising children.
* * * * Plants: 8557 | From: triangle, virginia | Registered: Mar 2005
| Seeded: 4.249.51.99
quote: Man, I would have been a nervous wreck if I'd had to sit there with his parents and chit-chat. I don't do well in those situations at all...unless his parents would have had a really GOOD sense of humor!
You don't know the first of it, Cindy!!! I was an EXTREMELY SHY child/teen and being in this new situation brought me right back there again! I had such a headache from nerves all day Friday - kept popping the Exedrin!!! And my hands were in a cold sweat and I was afraid that when I shook hands with him/them that I would be soooo embarassed. Luckily, I had gone outside to my pond just before they came, and it was sooooo hot out that my hands warmed up.
Awwwww.... shucks Merme...
quote: It is a luxury to read you.
Nobody's ever said that to me before - you're too sweet. But really, the pleasure is in reading what you contribute to these forums and reading about your very special son!
As for my husband... he's gonna have to ride it out. We really don't do anything special for these days unfortunately, but are going out to dinner with our daughter, her best friend and her parents. We both have sons who are older and away, so the 6 of us are a perfect match. Plus they are the other last hold-outs in this area who share the same beliefs that we do about girls dating, etc. Will make for very interesting dinner conversation, since their daughter has been seeing her first boyfriend (2 years older) for 2 months now, and now ours has one too.
Oh, the teasing that the girls are going to have to endure during this dinner - poor things!
Will report back later, for those of you who are interested in this soap opera!
* * * * Lynne's knitting journal "I'm spayed, declawed, and housebound - how's YOUR day going???" Plants: 17066 | From: Rockland County, NY | Registered: Nov 2003
| Seeded: 67.84.52.196
quote: A child has to feel secure and loved before they can yell at a parent. So although it is terrible to go through there are plus points too.
That is soooooo very true!!!!
quote: HE GAVE HER A COLLAR!!!!!
I'd be checking into that one if I were you! Have you heard about those different colored bracelets?????? Just the over procautious person I am... Of course, I'm in the boonies here where it maybe something that they do in the cities??? dunno??
* * * * Weezie
Don't forget to be kind to strangers. For some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it. - Bible - Hebrews 13:2
posted
Weezie - I DEFINITELY know about those bracelets!!! It was publicized a lot here on the news last year!
What's more upsetting was all the reports of girls giving boys blow-jobs on the middleschool buses - did you know about that one????!!!!! Don't know if that was/is true about here, but my niece (same age as my daughter) said that it did go on, on her bus! Disgusting! Where are these bus drivers - busy on the cell phone when they have our children's safety in their hands!!!
These are very very very scary times our children are living through. It's bad enough about all the terrorism, but to have this going on in your neighborhood is just toooooooo much! Whatever happened to having just clean, good old fun?!?
* * * * Lynne's knitting journal "I'm spayed, declawed, and housebound - how's YOUR day going???" Plants: 17066 | From: Rockland County, NY | Registered: Nov 2003
| Seeded: 67.84.52.196
posted
I say if your parents can't embarrass you then who can. If a guy runs away because he's embarrassed he's no fun to start with.
We live in a small town and when my daughter started dating her now husband, her dad talked to the local police about him to make sure they only knew him for personal and not professional reasons.
quote: We live in a small town and when my daughter started dating her now husband, her dad talked to the local police about him to make sure they only knew him for personal and not professional reasons.
Small towns.......
I worked for the sheriff's department and used to run all Rachel's friends thru NCIC! (National Crime Information Center)
* * * * Buckle up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car! Plants: 43285 | Registered: Mar 2004
| Seeded: 69.170.162.6
posted
Maxi and I live in a small resort town, just 8,000 people during the off-season. The kids here seem to like it because of the extended family feeling it provides.
As a parent, it has always made me feel safe being alone with my son and in such poor health.
When he was very small and still not speaking, I knew if he ever got out of the house alone, someone would know who he was and where he belonged. It gave me confidence so I didn't HAVE to go back to the Ex; I knew we'd be alright here.
And Maxi loves walking around town "visiting" all the shop keepers and neighbors. When I still could walk, he'd get annoyed if two or three days would go by and we didn't go "visiting" at Rite Aid and the local convenience store and the post office...
The kid has friends everywhere he turns.
Merme
* * * *
"In the midst of winter, I learned there lives in me an invincible summer" Camus (maybe a paraphrase) Plants: 9229 | From: Maine | Registered: Oct 2004
| Seeded: 66.63.78.107
posted
I moved here (very small town) from Tulsa...(fairly big city)...because not only did I want to raise my kids in a small town...but they asked. They wanted to not get lost in the classes of 40 students...Dayne wanted to show lambs & bulls in FFA....you know what we found...That we ALL raise each others kids here! Dayne could go to his friends house, walk in and make a sandwich and no one thought a thing about it! Darin and his friends met at our house to "jam" and make hysterical videos (they wrote their own "movies") and their parents new where their kids were and it was okie dokie! If my boys were in the "wrong" I can promise you I knew about it before they ever got home. I appreciated that from other parents. It is a tough job raising kids and we rallied together and got the job done! When Dayne passed away...the whole town closed (and a couple of others close by) they lowered the flag to "honor" one of their youth. The hospital and physicians offices that could NOT close....came to the strett and stood in reverence as the persession went by. You think I didn't appreciate that! Now, Darin, will NOT raise his children in a large City. They live in a small suburb outside of little Rock where they know the teachers, kids parents and so on! I say thiumbs up to little towns...wouldn't do it any other way!
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Happiness, like a dessert so sweet. May life give you more than you can ever eat... *** *** Plants: 7034 | From: The Land of JOY | Registered: Apr 2004
| Seeded: 162.40.163.20
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okay...remember YOU ASKED...
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We'll have to see how things pan out, and how long he wants to stick around with our strictness...![[grin]](graemlins/grinnnn.gif)
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). Anyway, she was always "on" when I had boys come over - so much so, that they would return to be entertained by her, and could care less about me! My high school dating experiences were nothing to write home about to say the least.
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