posted
Subject: Remember to wear clean underwear!!!
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people staring at the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although he was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, needed three stitches in his forehead.
* * * * Plants: 1044 | From: Van Nuys, CA | Registered: Sep 2004
| Seeded: 69.166.254.245
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissy fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near"and "a right far piece."
They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we do "lines"; and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll."
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
And there's the ole time favorite of "goin' back home to see mommernem" for some "down home cookin".
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.
* * * * Plants: 1044 | From: Van Nuys, CA | Registered: Sep 2004
| Seeded: 69.166.254.245
posted
Being a middle aged (if I live to be 104) Southern woman I can relate to both of these stories. Last year I had a doctors appointment because I was having heart palpations. I didn't think I would have to take off ALL my clothes. I wore a purple, flowered bra and bright blue panties. Didn't match at all. When I had to get undressed and stand up while the doctor opened the back of my gown, all I could think about was my underwear. I knew he was thinking I must be color blind. I started to say "these are my school colors and we're having a big game tonight" but I thought he would think I was a "fun" girl for sure. I don't remember a thing he told me. When I was telling this at work a lady I work with said that one time she was rear ended by a truck. The EMT's put her on a back board to take her to the ER. She said as soon as she got there she started explaining about her hot pink, velvet underwear set. She had just had a baby, was working full time, and hadn't done her washing. That was all that was in the drawer that day. A present her husband, of course, had bought her.
Those of us with a southern accent forget we have one. This past spring one of my co-workers, born, raised and still living in the same southern town went to Las Vegas with one of our interpreters who is from Mexico City. When they got to Las Vegas my southern friend asked someone "Where can we get a taxi?" The person asked her several times to please repeat herself. Finally he said lady I can't understand you. Our Mexican friend with a thick Spanish accent asked the same question. The man said "Oh" and showed them where to go.
and the southern ones were good too. I spell it y'all though, always have and always will I guess.
I get teasted all the time about my southern accent, mine is not as bad as my sister's she really has that southern drawl
* * * * I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited- Plants: 1952 | From: Arkansas | Registered: Aug 2004
| Seeded: 65.68.22.62
* * * * I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited- Plants: 1952 | From: Arkansas | Registered: Aug 2004
| Seeded: 65.68.22.16
Cricket
guest
posted
Seeded: 70.66.52.31
gardenmom32210
guest
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G-Mom
Seeded: 68.154.199.26
gardenmom32210
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TOP TWELVE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS MADE BY PETS
12. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt. 11. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars. 10. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener. 9. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows. 8. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around. 7. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds. 6. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush me. 5. Always scoot before licking. 4. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much. 3. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year. 2. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...
1. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face). HUSBAND: (makes audible groan). WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do" WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?" HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: - - - silence - - HUSBAND: "crap."
* * * * I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited- Plants: 1952 | From: Arkansas | Registered: Aug 2004
| Seeded: 65.68.22.40
posted
To go along with Gardenmom's dog resolutions: Dog pet Peeves About Humans...
1. Blaming your farts on me ... not funny
2. Yelling at me for barking ... I'M A STINKIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!
3. How you naicely belive that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your tooth brush smells a lttle like cat butt.)
4. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is it anyway?
5. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it.
6. Yelling at me for rubbing my butt on yor carpet. Whyd you buy carpet?
7. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your gusets. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshaking thing yet ... idiot.
8. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look we both know your just jealous.
9. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Dumbass.
10. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew up your shit when your not home.
11. When you pick up the poop piles out of the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
12. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting supprised when I freak out every time we go back.
13. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.
14. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? Plants: 6 | From: Harrah, Oklahoma | Registered: Dec 2004
| Seeded: 207.69.136.200
posted
Okay, this is SUPER-funny, but I can't post it here 'cause it would get me poofed for sure, because language, language, language! But click this link to my imagestation, and you'll see a really funny e-mail I received. (Don't worry-- it's not graphic or anything, but it does contain many of Bill's no-no words. If you are offended by these, you probably should not read it.)
DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:
You've Got Male!
Thought this was kinda cute???? Weezie
* * * * Weezie
Don't forget to be kind to strangers. For some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it. - Bible - Hebrews 13:2
And more from the mouth of babes (from a forwarded email):
The Umbrella Chord
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birthing story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, and pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts swaying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, saying....'Oh, oh, oh!'"
Now the kid is doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning. My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man." "They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"
This kid has her legs spread and her little hands are mimicking water flowing away. It was too much!
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said was from Mom's play center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there for kids to use before it's time to come out."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.
Seeded: 70.66.52.31
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A Few things it took me 50 years to learn.....
Never, under any circumstances,take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"
Never lick a steak knife.
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
You should NEVER say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economical status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention, it never fails)
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's reseach. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
* * * *
Happiness, like a dessert so sweet. May life give you more than you can ever eat... *** *** Plants: 7034 | From: The Land of JOY | Registered: Apr 2004
| Seeded: 162.40.162.72
Cricket
guest
posted
Forwarded from an email (it was accompanied by really cute graphics that I can't figure out how to post )
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I’ve learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the a$$ are permanent.
Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows,maybe something good will happen. If not...tough!
Seeded: 70.66.52.31
Below are four questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. Don't take your time . . answer all of them immediately, O.K.? Let's find out just how clever you are . . Ready, GO!!
First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?? * * * * * * *
Answer: If you answer first you are wrong. If you overtake the 2nd person and you take his place you are 2nd.
Try not to screw up on the next question . . and don't take as much time as you did on the first . . .
Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are. . ?? * * * * * * *
Answer: If you answered you are second to the last, you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the last person.??
You're not very good at this, are you???
Third Question: Very Tricky Math! Note . . this must be done in you head only. Do not use paper, pencil, or calculator. Try it!
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What's the answer? * * * *
Scroll down. * * * * *
Did you get 5000?? Wrong, it's 4100. Don't believe it?? Check with your calculator.
Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you'll get the last question right??
Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters. l. Nana 2. Nene 3. Nini 4. Nono What is the name of the 5th daughter?? * * * * * * *
Did you answer Nunu?? Wrong again. Her name is Mary . . read the question again.
Okay here's the bonus round . .
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is made.
Now if there is a blind person who wishes to buy sunglasses, how should he express himself? * * * * * * *
Ans: He just has to open his mouth and ask . . so simple!!
KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE . .
Good friends are like stars... You don't always see them, but you always know they're there.
* * * * Weezie
Don't forget to be kind to strangers. For some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it. - Bible - Hebrews 13:2
posted
DANG! You made me feel stupider than I already am!
(huh?)
* * * * Buckle up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car! Plants: 43285 | Registered: Mar 2004
| Seeded: 69.170.162.6
Cricket
guest
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King Arthur and the Witch
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?....What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered ....is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments? What would YOU do? What Lancelot chose is below BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. * * * Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
posted
After a night of partying a few guys went home with their friend to see his new apartment. When he showed them his bedroom they were all puzzled by the big gong setting next to his bed. So they asked him why gong was in his bedroom. He told them.."it's not a gong, this is a talking alarm clock." What, it looks just like a gong! So the guy picked up the mallet and struck the gong...and immediately from the next apartment they haerd a LOUD voice saying.."it's 3 o'clock in the morning you A.H.!!!!!!!!!!!!
* * * *
Happiness, like a dessert so sweet. May life give you more than you can ever eat... *** *** Plants: 7034 | From: The Land of JOY | Registered: Apr 2004
| Seeded: 162.40.162.196
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
* * * * I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited- Plants: 1952 | From: Arkansas | Registered: Aug 2004
| Seeded: 65.68.22.71
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HARSH THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN. 1. I've smoked fatter joint's than that. 2. Ahhhh, its cute. 3. Why don't we just cuddle? 4. You know they have surgery to fix that. 5. Make it dance. 6. Can l paint a smiley face on it? 7. Wow, and your feet are so big. 8. Will it squeak if l squeeze it?. 9. It's OK, we'll work around lt. 10.Can l be honest with you?. 11 How sweet you bought incense. 12.This explains your car. 13.Maybe lf we water lt, lt will grow. 14.At least this wont take long. 15.Maybe lt looks better in natural light. 16.Are you cold? 17.Does lt come with an air pump. 18.So this is why we are supposed to judge people on personality. 19.What ls that? 20. I guess this makes me the "early bird".
* * * * Plants: 2856 | From: england | Registered: Jan 2004
| Seeded: 195.92.168.172
posted
Three women and three men were traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket. "How are the three of you going to travel on just one ticket?" asks one of the men. "Watch and learn," answers one of the women. They all board the train. The three men take their seats but all three of the women cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says "ticket please." The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing an the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for their return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy a ticket at all!!! "How are you going to travel wothout a ticket?"says one perplexed man. "Watch and learn" answers the women. When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into a toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on it's way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. The women knocks on their door and says.... "Ticket please."
(I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women.)
* * * *
Happiness, like a dessert so sweet. May life give you more than you can ever eat... *** *** Plants: 7034 | From: The Land of JOY | Registered: Apr 2004
| Seeded: 162.40.167.11
gardenmom32210
guest
posted
I received this in an e-mail...
The Blonde & The Indian!
An attractive Blonde, Kitty Mc Neill was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. Kitty climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let Kitty off at the local service station,yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback!"
* * * * I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited- Plants: 1952 | From: Arkansas | Registered: Aug 2004
| Seeded: 65.68.22.96
posted
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a twich to your eyes. The great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not (as) scripted and (often) dull as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions:
Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the apartment next door.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a real gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Campfire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head, he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean? A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.
* * * * Plants: 1044 | From: Van Nuys, CA | Registered: Sep 2004
| Seeded: 69.166.254.245
Cricket
guest
posted
Those were the days when TV was still FUN!
Seeded: 70.66.52.31
Cricket
guest
posted
It is with the saddest heart I pass on the following:
Please join me in remembering a great icon - the veteran Pillsbury spokesman. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday from a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The gravesite was piled high with flours. The Keebler Elves served as pall bearers. As long-time friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very ³smart² cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes
Seeded: 70.66.52.31
gardenmom32210
guest
posted
Heres one from an e-mail...
Subject: A Cat in Heaven
A cat died and went to heaven. God met her at the golden gate and said, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to heaven at the same time. God met the mice at the gates of heaven with the same offer that he made the cat.
The mice said, "Well we have had to run all of our lives, from cats, dogs and even people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller skates we would never have to run again." God answered, It is done. All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything OK? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh it is wonderful. I have never been so happy in my life. My pillow is so fluffy and those little meals on wheels you have been sending over are delicious."
a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control..
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas...
Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.ft.house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with Roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in La Mesa, CA has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
* * * * Plants: 1044 | From: Van Nuys, CA | Registered: Sep 2004
| Seeded: 69.166.254.245
I know for a fact this is true! I encouraged my two little brothers (ages 5 and 8)to try it when I was 12...off the roof of the lower level of our house.
And I was the one who got in trouble!
Cindy
* * * * Buckle up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car! Plants: 43285 | Registered: Mar 2004
| Seeded: 69.170.162.6
gardenmom32210
guest
posted
I might add that...
Play Doh and Ceiling Fans DO NOT go together! Play Doh sticks to the walls when applied with the force of a Ceiling Fan on HIGH!
Crayons will also pass through the digestive system of a child.
quote: Crayons will also pass through the digestive system of a child.
My favorites when I was a kid were pennies and marbles. The pennies were pretty easy, they slid right down. But, the marbles kind of hurt my throat. Got one stuck in my throat once and had to eat half a peanut butter sandwich to get it down!
Ahhh...those were the days!
Cindy
* * * * Buckle up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car! Plants: 43285 | Registered: Mar 2004
| Seeded: 69.170.162.6
posted
And beans WILL sprout ...even in your nose! (ask my sister)
* * * *
Happiness, like a dessert so sweet. May life give you more than you can ever eat... *** *** Plants: 7034 | From: The Land of JOY | Registered: Apr 2004
| Seeded: 162.40.165.71
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