An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there,"says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"
* * * * I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited- Plants: 1952 | From: Arkansas | Registered: Aug 2004
| Seeded: 65.68.22.134
posted
oh and this one was cute TO ALL THE MARRIED COUPLES OUT THERE .....
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
* * * * I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited- Plants: 1952 | From: Arkansas | Registered: Aug 2004
| Seeded: 65.68.22.134
quote:I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some saltines and a box of chocolates.
Worked for me!
Seeded: 24.64.223.203
Cricket
guest
posted
Child: "Daddy, how was I born?" Dad answered: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said ----- (Scroll down)
You've Got Male!
Seeded: 24.64.223.203
Cricket
guest
posted
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed) in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh s**t', cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
P.S. My apologies to anyone who may have seen a word in this before I edited it - it slipped by!
Seeded: 24.64.223.203
Cricket
guest
posted
More Senior humor:
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
-----------------------------------------
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me .. your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...." -----------------------------------------
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. ------------------------------------------ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for ------------------------------------------ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. -------------------------------------------- How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are? ---------------------------------------------- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. --------------------------------------------- You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. ---------------------------------------------- I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. ---------------------------------------------- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. ---------------------------------------------- Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. ----------------------------------------------- Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you. ---------------------------------------------- If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. -------------------------------------- First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down. ------------------------------------------- Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.. Today, it's called golf ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A WELL PLANNED LIFE????
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life? "
" Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
The woman replied, "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Seeded: 24.64.223.203
Garden Closed
login | 
| 
| 
![[clappy]](graemlins/clappy.gif)
![[grin]](graemlins/grinnnn.gif)
duckie
![[thumb]](graemlins/thumb.gif)
Good ones, Belinda! ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[flower]](graemlins/flower.gif)
duckie![[Embarrassed]](redface.gif)
![[shocked]](graemlins/shock.gif)
![[Love]](graemlins/love.gif)
duckie![[kitty]](graemlins/kitty.gif)
Printer-friendly view of this garden