Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon. I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
My personal favorite....could this be us?
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. oh hell, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen . . . . . I think.
* * * * Weezie
Don't forget to be kind to strangers. For some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it. - Bible - Hebrews 13:2
posted
The last one is me, to a "T" I can imagine myself doing that!!
And this one lady sends them back and forth me, and I print them up for my mom to take to "Meals~on~Wheels" when she's delivering, and hangs them on the boards down there, she says everyone's just a hootin' and a hollerin' as the seniors and volunteers come in to eat!!
I'm getting alot of jokes now on the ole 'puter, cause I am more house bound with this retched cold~damp~drizzle we have here. I'll add some more as they come in...... But, anyone feel free to add any (keep 'em clean) if you find anymore!!!
Weezie
* * * * Weezie
Don't forget to be kind to strangers. For some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it. - Bible - Hebrews 13:2
There's one joke about I was going to go to the mail box and get the mail, but on the way there, I saw the plants needed water, so I stopped, got the watering can, but saw that the cat food bowl was empty *the cat was looking sooooooooo hungry* so I stopped to go get the food for the cat, but I found something I'd lost, and thought, I'd better put that away before I loose it again, and so on and so and so, and the hole day, nothing got done and when I was climbing into bed, I realized I didn't get out to get the mail either, and I hope I remember it in the morning, and I had emailed that one out to my friends and relatives on my email address book, and I had several people write back with a few quips, about there's medicine out there for you Weezie to help you with days like that, and you need to manage your day a bit better and one called and asked if I wanted them to come over and help me!!! I was like, awwwwwww come on, it was an email joke you guys, even though it's exactly my life day in and day out!!! OHBOY!!!
Weezie
* * * * Weezie
Don't forget to be kind to strangers. For some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it. - Bible - Hebrews 13:2
quote: there's medicine out there for you Weezie to help you with days like that
Sometimes I have to "up my dose"!
I remember the joke now. It was a "blonde" joke, but I don't want to offend any blondes with it! People send me blonde jokes all the time, especially people who have never seen me before. For some strange reason they ASSUME that I am blonde!
Cindy
* * * * Buckle up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car! Plants: 43285 | Registered: Mar 2004
| Seeded: 69.170.162.6
posted
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out," he says. She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
* * * * Buckle up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car! Plants: 43285 | Registered: Mar 2004
| Seeded: 69.170.162.6
posted
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
* * * * Buckle up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car! Plants: 43285 | Registered: Mar 2004
| Seeded: 69.170.162.6
posted
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
* * * * Buckle up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car! Plants: 43285 | Registered: Mar 2004
| Seeded: 69.170.162.6
posted
A blonde is driving along a rural road, when she spots another blonde sitting in a rowboat in the middle of a field, rowing away.
She pulls over, gets out of her car, walks to the edge of the field, and yells, "HEY! What are you doing?"
The other blonde yells back, "I'm rowing my boat through a sea of grain!"
The first blonde can't believe she heard right. "You're doing WHAT?" she hollers.
The second blonde yells back, "I'm rowing my BOAT through the SEA of grain!!"
The first blonde says, "That it so stupid! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! I'd come out there and kick you a**, if I knew how to swim!!"
* * * * Plants: 1044 | From: Van Nuys, CA | Registered: Sep 2004
| Seeded: 69.166.254.245
posted
Ummm... This one is kind of dirty. Don't know if that's allowed, so maybe Weezie you could pull it off if it's objectionable?
A blonde and a brunette are in an elevator when a guy with really bad dandruff gets on in front of them. They both stare at the back of his head in silence till he gets off, and when the elevator door closes, the brunette says, "Boy, somebody needs to give that guy some Head and Shoulders!"
"Yeah!" says the blonde. "But how do you give somebody shoulders?"
* * * * Plants: 1044 | From: Van Nuys, CA | Registered: Sep 2004
| Seeded: 69.166.254.245
When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."
* * * *
Amor est vitae essentia. Love is the essence of life. Plants: 932 | From: Northern California, Zone 9b | Registered: Jul 2003
| Seeded: 172.194.52.135
posted
O.K......since we're on nurse and thermometer jokes!
A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then, realizing her mistake, she says, "Well, that's great...... just great.....Some a$$hole's got my pen."
(Can I say that on here? )
* * * * Buckle up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car! Plants: 43285 | Registered: Mar 2004
| Seeded: 69.170.162.6
Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
Drink: Beer Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass. Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants. Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel) Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles. Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue. Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
Drink: Tequila No explanations required -- everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
THEN, there is the MALE addendum ---- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay
* * * *
Amor est vitae essentia. Love is the essence of life. Plants: 932 | From: Northern California, Zone 9b | Registered: Jul 2003
| Seeded: 172.193.184.155
posted
Well Damn, what's it say about me when I like to drink Blender Drinks, Mixed Drinks, Wine, Zinfansomething, Wine Coolers, & Shots (NO TEKILLYA!) ?? Meg
quote: Drink: Mixed Drinks Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants. Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.
OLDER???
HIGH MAINTENANCE????
Guess that would be ME!
* * * * Buckle up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car! Plants: 43285 | Registered: Mar 2004
| Seeded: 69.170.162.6
posted
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the removalists come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a kilo of prawns, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten prawn shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rats, and carpets were steam-cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit...Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local Agents refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and she would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back... Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... ....including the curtain rods.
posted
Sorry...another blonde joke. They keep sendin' 'em to me... ...even gone so far as to accuse me of being a natural blonde, but dyed my hair brown just to LOOK smart!
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray...."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins. She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself.... "Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket.
Cindy
* * * * Buckle up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car! Plants: 43285 | Registered: Mar 2004
| Seeded: 69.170.162.6
posted
Having reached the age of 65, I went to apply for Social Security last week. After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the counter. The woman there asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay, that I had left my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom. I told the lady that I was very sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I'll have to go get it and come back later," I said. At that point, she said to me, "Unbutton your shirt." I was confused, but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and, with that, she promptly processed my application. When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience at the Social Security Office. She listened to the whole story and then said, "You should have dropped your pants ... you might have gotten disability, too.
* * * * Buckle up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car! Plants: 43285 | Registered: Mar 2004
| Seeded: 69.170.162.6
posted
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful -- you guessed it -- blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
* * * * Plants: 1044 | From: Van Nuys, CA | Registered: Sep 2004
| Seeded: 69.166.254.245
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
(Scroll down)... I love this one ...
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS .
* * * *
Amor est vitae essentia. Love is the essence of life. Plants: 932 | From: Northern California, Zone 9b | Registered: Jul 2003
| Seeded: 172.196.170.112
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