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Where else could I go for the best advice, but here with all of you?!?
Tomorrow night, my almost 15 year old daughter is going out on her first date. She was told that we have to meet the guy before she can go out, and he/they were fine about it. He's 1 1/2 years older and from what I hear, has had plenty of dating experience. He is going to stop by here briefly, before they go out to a movie.
Soooooo... my husband is not being serious about how this first "meeting" with him is going to take place. He's been teasing our daughter about how he's going to barage the kid with all kids of embarassing questions and she was not amused to say the least! We have a son, 7 years older than she, but it's different when you are the parent of the guy.
Frankly, I'm getting a little nervous about this meeting, and am trying to think of ways to make it less threatening to them. I know I can count on you all to have some GREAT suggestons - right?!?
bbbbbbbbb Lynne's knitting journal "I'm spayed, declawed, and housebound - how's YOUR day going???"
From: Rockland County, NY | Registered: Nov 2003
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Oh, I am not a good one for that kind of advice! I used to embarrass my daughter to death when she started dating. I think I was the only mom who wore tie-dyed skirts with high-top Converse (2 different colors) with flames painted on them. My appearance alone was enough to embarrass her!
But, I will tell you one rule I had...
As long as she was at my house, any date she ever had... ...the young man had to come to the door and get her. There was NO pulling into the driveway and blowing the horn, or her just running out the door when he pulled up.
Cindy
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Registered: Mar 2004
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Absolutely agreed, Cindy! No horn honking here either. But we're even worse than that - we are not allowing her to go in cars driven by friends yet - they are way too young, and here in NY they are even changing the laws as to when young drivers can have other minors as passengers. Of course that doesn't stop kids from riding along anyway. This guy is 16 1/2, and our daughter doesn't even know if he drives yet, so her dad will take them to the theater. We'll see how long this kid is willing to put up with our strict rules - time will tell...
p.s. - you must have been a vision!
bbbbbbbbb Lynne's knitting journal "I'm spayed, declawed, and housebound - how's YOUR day going???"
From: Rockland County, NY | Registered: Nov 2003
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As the STEP (can't emphasize that enough) parent of a girl gone bad....I just have to tell you that I am THANKFUL I had boys! We were not fortunate enough to raise my husbands daughter and she has been in a crisis starting at 13!!!!
I can tell you that we would not have allowed her to "date" un~chaperoned until she was 16. We did not allow the boys to do so as well. I do not think that being protective of our children is being "strict"...there are a lot of crazies out there. (just watch Dr. Phil once or twice ) They had a curfew of 11pm...but we insisted on knowing exactly where they were going to be...and yes, we checked up on them...and yes...they knew it...and no, they didn't like it. But those were the rules and I slept better at night. We were not allowed to have input on my husband's daughter because we were "to strict" and to old fashioned. So...her mother "raised" her. She was pregnant at 14...and we are raising her baby. She has nothing to do with any of her family anymore...we know only where she is through hear~say. We have attempted to have DHS step in for the past 2 years...they are to overwhelmed and will do nothing. We are fortunate that our other 4 children (that we raised) are healthy young adults...wonderful parents and pillars of their communities....so, I am kinda thinkin the "rules" work. We refused to be pressured into the "all the other parents let their kids....." thing. We encouraged all of their friends to come to our house...and if we were not comfy with a friend..then they were allowed to come here...but our kids couldn't go there. Most of it is just consistancy...then they know what to expect. Please don't mis~understand me...we had FUN...they had FUN..we were just cautious. And now in their adult lives and raising their children...we have had a lot of "thank you's" from them!
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From: The Land of JOY | Registered: Apr 2004
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No Way!!!!! I happen to own a pair of red high tops and I wear them with sun dresses now. My kids laugh.
I too have a 15 year old. She doesn't date yet. She does the group thing. No one is paired up, they just go in big groups. Parents drive and nobody is unsupervised.
When my older girls started dating, I wanted locations, phone numbers and to meet the boy. I checked up on them too. The boy had to come in and not only meet us, but have a few minutes of polite conversation. I have to admit, my hubby was cleaning a shot gun a time or two. He was and still is incorrigible. The girls warned their dates and everyone thought it was a joke, which it was. I don't know why but the boys always ended up scared of me. I wonder why that is???
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From: The Idaho Boonies | Registered: Apr 2005
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hehehehe, They know mom is the one with the power.
11:00 p.m. huh. Mine was 10:00 p.m. which was fine I was an early bird back then. And going fishing with dad early in the morning was much more fun that dates with guys at night. I know one thing from my growing up. And that's that they had better be going to an activity. No hanging out at someones house. That just does not end up at all well in most cases. Parents that think leaving a group of teenagers at their house while they get lost is bad. I was amazed at the number of "nice parents" that enabled their kids to get into sex, drugs, and criminal activities by their permissive attitudes. And these were nice successful people that had honor roll kids. And the kids were still doing all the wrong things. Drinking, drugs, sex, stealing you name it they were involved. Some of this had to do with the school system that told their teachers they were just there to babysit the kids during the day while their parents worked. No one failed, no one even got a "d" so honor roll wasn't that hard to do.
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From: triangle, virginia | Registered: Mar 2005
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Oh by the way...not only did Dad do the big heavy the grown brother came home to make sure the guy was all right, since he knew dad was an old softy underneath.
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From: triangle, virginia | Registered: Mar 2005
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My son is not old enough to be dating yet, thank God but I remember all too well what a rotten kid I was and so my plan is to be strict with Maxi.
Reading all of your posts was a good practice run and I liked the suggestions made....the kinds of things that might be helpful to anyone just starting out on the dating thing.
Although none of us answered your specific question yet about how to make that first meet go smoothly without upsetting the kids, Lynne, I'm hoping this thread continues for a bit -- for both of our sakes!
Merme
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"In the midst of winter, I learned there lives in me an invincible summer" Camus (maybe a paraphrase)
From: Maine | Registered: Oct 2004
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Some things to ponder... we hadn't even discussed a curfew yet - how did we miss THAT one?
Her older brother lives up by the college he just graduated from, so he won't be here to help us/him.
Cindy - so sorry to hear about your daughter's best friend - that's soooo devastating! And exactly what scares me to death! Everytime I hear sirens here, and boy are they going almost 24/7 now that school is out! , I wonder who is involved in whatever happened.
Vanessa - I hear you about your stepdaughter - must have been very tough times, and one really has to hold tight to their rules and regulations these days, ya know?
Fernie -
quote: The boy had to come in and not only meet us, but have a few minutes of polite conversation. I have to admit, my hubby was cleaning a shot gun a time or two
this is soooo funny - my husband was talking to a young woman in his office about it yesterday, and she said she was the youngest with 3 brothers. Not only did the guy have to meet all their approval, BUT... the father would always say "I used to be in law enforcement. I HAVE A GUN AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT!!! Now that I'm retired I've got nothing to lose by using it, so don't make me want to!" Can you imagine? We recently went to this woman's wedding - she married a very peaceful, laid-back sort of guy - he must have the patience of a saint.
Tk -
quote: I know one thing from my growing up. And that's that they had better be going to an activity. No hanging out at someones house
This is exactly what we have been telling her. And it's been really really really REALLY difficult to reinforce this! She only has 1 other friend (we are friends with the parents) who also stick to this rule. And an adult has to be there at all times. I cannot believe how all the other kids are allowed to pretty much roam free with no supervision at all. This is a daily battle with our daughter and us! The biggest WHINE is about how "ALL THE OTHER KIDS GET TO HANG OUT AT THE (very very very huge 4 story) MALL WITH JUST FRIENDS! WHY CAN'T I?????"
If not for her best friend having parents of the same mind that we are, we wouldn't have a leg to stand on, and I think the lying and sneaking out would begin. She knows we won't have that, and I'm hoping she realizes we mean business. I guess we'll find out.
Merme - you were thinking what I was -
quote: Although none of us answered your specific question yet about how to make that first meet go smoothly without upsetting the kids, Lynne, I'm hoping this thread continues for a bit -- for both of our sakes!
Anyone wanna give some suggestions for this first meeting tonite? I was always a shy kid, even as a teenager, and this is definitely not in my comfort zone. Everytime I think about it I get cold hands!
I do know, that this guy is having a lot of problems with some good friends because of his desire to spend time with my daughter. He does live on the "other side" of town, and I think some of his friends are questionable...BUT... he has defended his feelings towards our daughter even when one of his friends accused him of "settling" for her - how the he** does this kid form this opinion when he doesn't know her at all?!?!?!?!? And, in our opinion, he is "bettering" himself by hanging out with her. She is a straight A student and very devoted to her flute playing, and said she will "beat up any of her friends if she finds out they are doing drugs or alcohol." He was kicked out of his band by this snotty kid, because he wasn't seeing after an old girlfriend/now friend while he was with our daughter at a school function. He is enduring much criticism and sadness from his so-called "friends", and I admire him more so, because he has stood by our daughter even though he doesn't know her very well yet. Anyone who would forgoe their longtime friends to do that, seems ok in my book for now. We'll have to see how things pan out, and how long he wants to stick around with our strictness...
Soooooooo.... back to the beginning - HELP!!!!!!!! How do we get through this first meeting smoothly? I think my husband is as nervous as I am, though he won't admit it!
p.s. my husband just came in the room after taking some pictures of our cats, and announced to me that he is going to take pictures of our daughter and the guy before they leave. I told him he absolutely cannot do that - he will embarass her to nooooooo end! He said, jokingly, that he's gonna tell him "I need these so I have something to show the police if I have to!" OMG!!! SOMEBODY OUT THERE HELP ME!!! I told him I was going to hide the camera when he's out mowing the lawn!
bbbbbbbbb Lynne's knitting journal "I'm spayed, declawed, and housebound - how's YOUR day going???"
From: Rockland County, NY | Registered: Nov 2003
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quote:Originally posted by plants 'n pots: He said, jokingly, that he's gonna tell him "I need these so I have something to show the police if I have to!"
I confess that I wrote down a description of a guy that picked my daughter up and copied his license plate number down after I gave him the 3rd degree. I, also, asked for his address, wrote down his vehicle model/type, and I told him that I wanted to have an accurate record in case she wasn't home on time.
Dianna
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From: SC | Registered: Nov 2004
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Okay-- just my 2 cents worth-- In being a parent who just finished raising a teenage girl, am now raising a teenage boy and too soon enoughwill be going through it again with another girl-- I'll say this-- 16 is a good age to set for dating. 10 pm is a good curfew; I used this time and allowed an additional thirty minutes for unexpected issues but only after they were older and started going in cars without a parent. But I do live in a small town... it makes a difference. I required names places and phone numbers while they were out. And I checked up. They knew it. I get thankyous from my daughter everyday for being the way I was. My son has a little more freedom because he is a little more responsible than my daughter was at that age. But he makes a point of giving me all the required info and if things change he calls me and fills me in on every detail.
Now- to the matter at hand-- Just be straight forward. Be open and adamant about your rules; just be toward this young man the way you would if he were about to become your son-in-law. I'm sure you don't want to jepordize your daughter's relationship with this young man but if he is as loyal to her as he appears to be in your description then he'll be cool with the way you are. He will know where you, as parents, stand and if this is something he is willing to accept then he is worthy of your daughter. If this attitude scares him away then its a sign that there were probably underlying motives.
I used this same action with the young man that is now my son-in-law and he and I get along fine. (Although, I did kinda play the heavy at first with him because her dad was not in the picture )
In any case, I do hope I've helped shed some light on your situation...
bbbbbbbbb Each day is a new beginning...What you begin is your choice. The pleasure you receive from life is equal only to the attitude you put into it.
From: Cotton Land in the Magnolia State | Registered: Feb 2005
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quote: I confess that I wrote down a description of a guy that picked my daughter up and copied his license plate number down after I gave him the 3rd degree. I, also, asked for his address, wrote down his vehicle model/type, and I told him that I wanted to have an accurate record in case she wasn't home on time.
Good for you, Dianna! My husband will be driving them to the movie, and bringing her back home, so we're not up to the license stuff yet. She doesn't even know if he drives yet.
quote: I do hope I've helped shed some light on your situation...
Tricia - I love your response! So calm, and reassuring - thanks so much! We are getting really giddy here - my husband is home from work today and I'm not sure we'll make it til later this afternoon!
Cindy - YA THINK???
bbbbbbbbb Lynne's knitting journal "I'm spayed, declawed, and housebound - how's YOUR day going???"
From: Rockland County, NY | Registered: Nov 2003
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More giddiness! I just spoke with my daughter and asked if he knows it's her first date - she thinks so. Told her that her father and I agreed on an 11p.m. curfew. No response.
Then told her we would need his phone number and address. She replied "cell or house?" I said YES!
Then said that we would need his address, parents' names, social security number - hahahaha - slipped that one in to lighten it up a bit. Her response - "YOU'RE SOOOOOO RETARDED!!!"
laughed my way out of her room
bbbbbbbbb Lynne's knitting journal "I'm spayed, declawed, and housebound - how's YOUR day going???"
From: Rockland County, NY | Registered: Nov 2003
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Okay--just took a shower and washed my hair(like you guys really wanted to know that!! ) Anyway!--Here's an idea-- You said his dad was driving them right?? Well-why not shift the focus of introduction a little to include BOTH of them-- him and his dad. Adults meeting adults is much easier and you can include the teenagers in the mix. That way you can meet the parent and get an idea of what he's like as well, because truth be told, our children are a reflection of us more often than not. This takes the pressure off you by putting you in a more familiar situation. Just have your daughter tell her date that you would like to meet his dad when they arrive to pick her up. Most parents won't object to this sort of thing because they're probably just as curious as you are. JUST A THOUGHT...
bbbbbbbbb Each day is a new beginning...What you begin is your choice. The pleasure you receive from life is equal only to the attitude you put into it.
From: Cotton Land in the Magnolia State | Registered: Feb 2005
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BUT... I said that HER dad (my husband) is driving them. I don't know if we'll be meeting his parent who drops him off here or not. It will be interesting to see...
bbbbbbbbb Lynne's knitting journal "I'm spayed, declawed, and housebound - how's YOUR day going???"
From: Rockland County, NY | Registered: Nov 2003
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I'm sorry.. I guess I was reading cross-eyed when I read that... Forgive me???
bbbbbbbbb Each day is a new beginning...What you begin is your choice. The pleasure you receive from life is equal only to the attitude you put into it.
From: Cotton Land in the Magnolia State | Registered: Feb 2005
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No problem at all - I really liked your response - you give some very sage advice - thanks!
bbbbbbbbb Lynne's knitting journal "I'm spayed, declawed, and housebound - how's YOUR day going???"
From: Rockland County, NY | Registered: Nov 2003
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bbbbbbbbb Each day is a new beginning...What you begin is your choice. The pleasure you receive from life is equal only to the attitude you put into it.
From: Cotton Land in the Magnolia State | Registered: Feb 2005
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quote:Originally posted by plants 'n pots: Good for you, Dianna! My husband will be driving them to the movie, and bringing her back home, so we're not up to the license stuff yet. She doesn't even know if he drives yet.
Uhhhh...did I happen to mention that my daughter was 21 on that date, but she was staying with me temporarily so had to go by my rules?
Dianna
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From: SC | Registered: Nov 2004
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How do you meet any of your daughter's friends? I mean what do you say? Since your hubby is driving...it is basically you are meeting a new friend of your daughters (with a twist I admit but the premise is the same). State your expectations and rules and do whatever it is you do to meet new people. Remember he is probably scared to meet you too.
Heck when my oldest daughter went on her first date, I wanted to take pictures too (I didn't). She was moving into a new era, I understood her side of it after having been her age once too, but I had never been on this..the parent...side before.
You will do fine I am sure.
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GO DAWGS!
From: The Idaho Boonies | Registered: Apr 2005
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Thanks Fernie - but you hit the nail on the head - it is the FIRST time that we are on this side of it. He actually wanted to meet us, knowing that we would require it - good for him!
Dianna -
quote:...did I happen to mention that my daughter was 21 on that date
I think it's even more important when they are that age - they think they are soooooo invincible then - young adults, ya know?
By the way... did I mention that
she is 5'1" and... he is 6'3" ???
I chuckle everytime the image pops in my head - will be very interesting to see...
bbbbbbbbb Lynne's knitting journal "I'm spayed, declawed, and housebound - how's YOUR day going???"
From: Rockland County, NY | Registered: Nov 2003
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I went on my first "date" when I was 7 years old.
It was a school dance (1st thru 3rd grades) in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
It was a dress-up affair. I got a beautiful new dress, had my hair "fixed" (lots of hair spray involved) and was a nervous wreck when my "date" showed up. His mom and dad brought him to fetch me!
Unfortunately, his dad was a professional photographer. He starts carrying in all kinds of equipment, cameras, tripods, everything up to and including a bunch of silver umbrellas he positioned all around the room so the "light" would be perfect. Even brought some kind of backdrop thing on a big pull-down screen.
Now THAT'S getting your picture taken on your first date!
Cindy Faye
P.S. No, I do not have a clue where the pictures are. I would definitely post them if I did!
P.S.S. I won a dance contest that night... "The Twist"!
bbbbbbbbb Buckle up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car!
Registered: Mar 2004
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Cindy - what were you thinking when he pulled out all that stuff!!! At least you were still young - I think I would've wanted to hit him over the head with a piece of his equipment if I was a teenager and he tried that!
bbbbbbbbb Lynne's knitting journal "I'm spayed, declawed, and housebound - how's YOUR day going???"
From: Rockland County, NY | Registered: Nov 2003
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No, I don't think so. He will probably do the guy thing and just show up. At a time that any woman would consider to late but that is the way they are.
Don't you get nervous. Believe it or not she is taking her que from you. Go do the next thing on your list of daily things to do. That's what she needs to be doing to. Then when he does show up it's like a nice suprise rather than a "where have you been, why didn't you call" type of thing.
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From: triangle, virginia | Registered: Mar 2005
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Celebrating 10 years of helping your gardens grow!
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okay...remember YOU ASKED...
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We'll have to see how things pan out, and how long he wants to stick around with our strictness...![[grin]](graemlins/grinnnn.gif)
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